when you eat out, you're not paying for the food, because honestly, it's usually not better than what you can make at home.
You're paying for someone to do the dishes, to fill your water glass--because it's annoying to get up and do it yourself during your meal, and you're paying for someone to be nice to you at dinner because dinner time isn't always nice and pleasant at home.
Joel's thought for the day. :)
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Forgiveness and coming to the wall
November 2017
One of the many things that we have worked on in marriage and counseling has been to bring down the walls and live so that triggers and walls aren't tripped. This has been interesting because many times in the past we did not recognize our blocks or triggers.
We have learned to communicate better, thoughts feelings, etc. I have learned that small white lies are destructive and place small barriers, even if it's just to friends. Ex: in the beginning when I had to find a babysitter for Hailey and Emi because of our appointments I wouldn't tell my friends or Journey-our awesome babysitter, where we were going. Eventually I opened up about that and it became a non issue. We even started to extend the time asked for by about an hour so that we could take time to decompress and discuss what we had just discussed, learned or brought up in a session. We started calling our outings Therapy Dates.
We have made much progress but I wanted to write about our most recent block/wall. When we talked about walls previously we referred to them as something one or another would throw up that would block the other person. It was usually referred to like building a castle and keeping someone out.
Recently a wall went up that caused a crash and burn for both of us.
We are working on honestly and bringing things up when we have a problem. One night I brought up an issue to Joel and the discussion didn't go well. I could tell there was something more going on but he said otherwise. In the end, I felt I had been lied to. I tried to believe what I was told, but something gnawed at me. A huge wall went up.
Background: Joel had been working nights for a little over the past month and had just recently switch back to days. His schedule consisted of worked, eat if he remembered, sleep. There wasn't time or energy for much else. I was getting stressed out because I felt like a single stay at home mom who was 8 months pregnant without help or support. Joel had his own stresses but didn't voice them. Neither of us was communicating well. It was the perfect equation for a storm.
After the discussion things didn't improve and to top it off Joel was called in for 10 hour shifts and then told that he was probably going to work 10's all weekend, including Sunday. Being stressed, insecure about my relationship, and banging into this wall, the extra time at work was just too much. We had originally planned to go up to Utah to see my grandparents and see if we could fix my serger, but now that didn't look like it was going to happen with Joel.
I was irritated and decided that I wasn't just going to stick around and flounder. I told Joel briefly that since he was going to be working so much I was going to Utah. I left quicker and quieter then usual and it threw him off. Distance in our relationship was growing.
The experience in Utah is blogged about in the family blog. It was a fun time with Grandpa Clarke, Gma Margaret, Dana and Kelly Strand. The trip ended well.
Sunday in church I had impressions and irritations/anger that clouded my thoughts. I knew that a wall had gone up. It was thick and looked impassible. What neither Joel nor myself had ever thought of was that when we are journeying at a good pace, when a wall goes up it doesn't just affect one person. This experience was like both of us running at a fast pace and smashing face first into a wall that neither of us saw coming. He was stuck on one side and I was now stuck on the other. He was in Las Vegas and I was in Utah. I had limited my communication because of my anger, hurt and pride. He had done the same. Neither of us were getting anywhere.
Sunday he received my thoughts from church but without much response. We briefly texted Sunday evening, but I was still hurt and angry. Monday morning I woke up to a text saying, "Call me when you wake up." It was strange because the text came around 7:30 a.m. and he should have been in the middle of work. I didn't want to call, but I did.
Joel had gone to work Monday but had the impression that he needed to pack up quickly and go to Utah. The impression would not leave him alone. He told his supervisors and went back home to pack. He said, I need to go get my wife.
When Joel called and told me this I was shocked and thrown off guard. In our counseling sessions, I had always said that when a wall goes up sometimes I wanted Joel to come to the wall and sit if that's what was needed. Usually we would run away and then sit with our backs away from each other. Stubbornly.
This time, Joel came to the wall, even though the wall was all the way in Utah. It softened me. It showed in some sense that he cared more about me than daily life, his pride, stress, etc or his work situation. He put his job in jeopardy to save his marriage.
He drove the 4 hrs up to Richfield. He had packed a change of clothes and snacks but forgot his toothbrush and underwear. His goal was just to get up there. It didn't hurt that he brought left over Archi's Thai food from the night before's work party. Instant forgiveness.
I was grateful that he came and that he wasn't in a rush to make me come back. He stayed and we had a good time relaxing and eventually talking.
We talked about the concept that when a wall goes up on either sides, sometimes both parties run head first into it without knowing what hit them. Then we have to sort through the why.
When it came down to it, Joel admitted that he had lied. Straight to my face. But why? He was embarrassed or scared of what I would think so he made a poor decision. I made frustrated decisions that didn't help.
One of the many things that we have worked on in marriage and counseling has been to bring down the walls and live so that triggers and walls aren't tripped. This has been interesting because many times in the past we did not recognize our blocks or triggers.
We have learned to communicate better, thoughts feelings, etc. I have learned that small white lies are destructive and place small barriers, even if it's just to friends. Ex: in the beginning when I had to find a babysitter for Hailey and Emi because of our appointments I wouldn't tell my friends or Journey-our awesome babysitter, where we were going. Eventually I opened up about that and it became a non issue. We even started to extend the time asked for by about an hour so that we could take time to decompress and discuss what we had just discussed, learned or brought up in a session. We started calling our outings Therapy Dates.
We have made much progress but I wanted to write about our most recent block/wall. When we talked about walls previously we referred to them as something one or another would throw up that would block the other person. It was usually referred to like building a castle and keeping someone out.
Recently a wall went up that caused a crash and burn for both of us.
We are working on honestly and bringing things up when we have a problem. One night I brought up an issue to Joel and the discussion didn't go well. I could tell there was something more going on but he said otherwise. In the end, I felt I had been lied to. I tried to believe what I was told, but something gnawed at me. A huge wall went up.
Background: Joel had been working nights for a little over the past month and had just recently switch back to days. His schedule consisted of worked, eat if he remembered, sleep. There wasn't time or energy for much else. I was getting stressed out because I felt like a single stay at home mom who was 8 months pregnant without help or support. Joel had his own stresses but didn't voice them. Neither of us was communicating well. It was the perfect equation for a storm.
After the discussion things didn't improve and to top it off Joel was called in for 10 hour shifts and then told that he was probably going to work 10's all weekend, including Sunday. Being stressed, insecure about my relationship, and banging into this wall, the extra time at work was just too much. We had originally planned to go up to Utah to see my grandparents and see if we could fix my serger, but now that didn't look like it was going to happen with Joel.
I was irritated and decided that I wasn't just going to stick around and flounder. I told Joel briefly that since he was going to be working so much I was going to Utah. I left quicker and quieter then usual and it threw him off. Distance in our relationship was growing.
The experience in Utah is blogged about in the family blog. It was a fun time with Grandpa Clarke, Gma Margaret, Dana and Kelly Strand. The trip ended well.
Sunday in church I had impressions and irritations/anger that clouded my thoughts. I knew that a wall had gone up. It was thick and looked impassible. What neither Joel nor myself had ever thought of was that when we are journeying at a good pace, when a wall goes up it doesn't just affect one person. This experience was like both of us running at a fast pace and smashing face first into a wall that neither of us saw coming. He was stuck on one side and I was now stuck on the other. He was in Las Vegas and I was in Utah. I had limited my communication because of my anger, hurt and pride. He had done the same. Neither of us were getting anywhere.
Sunday he received my thoughts from church but without much response. We briefly texted Sunday evening, but I was still hurt and angry. Monday morning I woke up to a text saying, "Call me when you wake up." It was strange because the text came around 7:30 a.m. and he should have been in the middle of work. I didn't want to call, but I did.
Joel had gone to work Monday but had the impression that he needed to pack up quickly and go to Utah. The impression would not leave him alone. He told his supervisors and went back home to pack. He said, I need to go get my wife.
When Joel called and told me this I was shocked and thrown off guard. In our counseling sessions, I had always said that when a wall goes up sometimes I wanted Joel to come to the wall and sit if that's what was needed. Usually we would run away and then sit with our backs away from each other. Stubbornly.
This time, Joel came to the wall, even though the wall was all the way in Utah. It softened me. It showed in some sense that he cared more about me than daily life, his pride, stress, etc or his work situation. He put his job in jeopardy to save his marriage.
He drove the 4 hrs up to Richfield. He had packed a change of clothes and snacks but forgot his toothbrush and underwear. His goal was just to get up there. It didn't hurt that he brought left over Archi's Thai food from the night before's work party. Instant forgiveness.
I was grateful that he came and that he wasn't in a rush to make me come back. He stayed and we had a good time relaxing and eventually talking.
We talked about the concept that when a wall goes up on either sides, sometimes both parties run head first into it without knowing what hit them. Then we have to sort through the why.
When it came down to it, Joel admitted that he had lied. Straight to my face. But why? He was embarrassed or scared of what I would think so he made a poor decision. I made frustrated decisions that didn't help.
In the end, we faced the problem and continue moving forward having learned a great lesson about walls and forgiveness and honesty.
Life lessons learned through marriage and counseling.
I have had the thought for a while now to write down some of the
things that Joel and I have experienced and learned as a couple. Our
marriage has not been an easy one by any means. There have been times
where where the proposal from Runaway Bride has rung loud and strong,
some parts louder than others.
"I guarantee that we'll have tough times. I guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me."
Sometimes it's hard to see past wanting to get out, but 5 years later we're still hanging in there.
For the past year Joel and I have been seeing a counselor. I started going first because I felt overwhelmed by the emotions that I didn't understand and that I couldn't process. Emotions from legal battles, working, going back to being a full time mom when I wanted to be working, marriage, family, relationships, mission stress that still bothered me and much more.
I attended a church women's Saturday conference and one of the speakers was a lady named Jessica Profit. I liked how candidly she spoke and how quickly she could manage topics. She said a phrase, compound stress. It struck a chord and I wanted to learn more about her. We eventually made arrangements to meet and things have progressed well since that time.
I started seeing her personally for 4-5 months and worked through many blocks concerning my mission, the legal battles and many other topics. Sometimes it was how do I manage these sleep battles with Emi napping. Sometimes it was my own personal battles.
My counselor has been a great asset in helping me refocus on life. We have learned and been able to implement many new ways of thinking, parenting and living. Eventually Joel started coming with me because there were things in our relationship that we wanted to improve and address.
Lately I have shared with friends and others that could benefit from knowing that Joel and I see a counselor at times. I think it has helped changed the way of thinking that "You only see a counselor if something is seriously wrong."
I hope to be able to write and capture some of the things we have learned and how it has affected and impacted us in life, marriage and family.
"I guarantee that we'll have tough times. I guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me."
Sometimes it's hard to see past wanting to get out, but 5 years later we're still hanging in there.
For the past year Joel and I have been seeing a counselor. I started going first because I felt overwhelmed by the emotions that I didn't understand and that I couldn't process. Emotions from legal battles, working, going back to being a full time mom when I wanted to be working, marriage, family, relationships, mission stress that still bothered me and much more.
I attended a church women's Saturday conference and one of the speakers was a lady named Jessica Profit. I liked how candidly she spoke and how quickly she could manage topics. She said a phrase, compound stress. It struck a chord and I wanted to learn more about her. We eventually made arrangements to meet and things have progressed well since that time.
I started seeing her personally for 4-5 months and worked through many blocks concerning my mission, the legal battles and many other topics. Sometimes it was how do I manage these sleep battles with Emi napping. Sometimes it was my own personal battles.
My counselor has been a great asset in helping me refocus on life. We have learned and been able to implement many new ways of thinking, parenting and living. Eventually Joel started coming with me because there were things in our relationship that we wanted to improve and address.
Lately I have shared with friends and others that could benefit from knowing that Joel and I see a counselor at times. I think it has helped changed the way of thinking that "You only see a counselor if something is seriously wrong."
I hope to be able to write and capture some of the things we have learned and how it has affected and impacted us in life, marriage and family.
Life as a married couple started out rough reguardless of the blissfull swift engagement and marriage. Over hte past 4 years we have had to struggle to stay together and work on things. I think most couples if they are honets with themselves would admit the same thing.
Over the past year, Joel and I have been through the ringer with our relationship but and especially with life.
I've started looking at things and realizing all the lessons that we have learned and good times we have had.
Joel and I have made it a year. There were times when we wondered if or how we'd make it but we have! As Joel and I sat at our anniversary lunch we started going back and forth with things that we enjoyed or things that we remembered from this past year. There has been lots of things, good and bad.
J- Skiing at Big Sky Montana in December 2012 with
Red. I was surprised at how well Andrea picked up skiing after not
having skied in over 10-15 years.
A- Stopping to see the hot pools in Yellowstone.
J- Seeing Hailey first thing through the door after a long day at work.
A- Hot air balloon Nite Glow and Sunday morning adventure watching the balloons blow up and light up.
J- Here Yoga with Red, especially when Andrea was in front.
A- Here Yoga with Joel... watching him sweat and realize that yoga is hard and actually a workout.
J- Learning how to watch football while married. I have the game to myself but Andrea gets the attention during the commercials.
A- Watching Joel carseat/stroller shop before Hailey was born. He would get excited and spend hours looking up reviews on what is the best.
J-
Anything involving Wizard (Bishop Price). Meeting him, staying at his
cabin, staying at his house, making breakfast with them, talking late
into the night. "I like how he is. I like his and Marsha's
relationship. I'd like to pattern our relationship after theirs."
A- Smith family reunion and baby shower.
J- Long chats with family at the reunion. It'd been way to long. Levi, Sheri
A- Running errands while in labor, definitely memorable.
J- The way we have learned to banter while company is over. We can have conversations that leave people scracthing their heads because half of the conversation was non-verbal or already understood.
A- Taking walks in the park. Veterans with all the links to the beltway. Ann Morrison with the ducks and geese, beltway and river.
J- Skipping Sunday School and Relief Society while pregnant to come home and enjoy each other and the sunshine.
A- Realizing our communication gap/error and then being able to resolve issues/arguments easier.
It only took till August... 11 months.
J- Laying in the backyard or at the park with Hailey. Laying in the backyard or at the park before Hailey was born. Same activity yet very different.
A- Joel driving a mini... something he said he'd never do. His concern for the safety of his family trumped his irritation and loathing for minivans.
J- The one bike ride that Andrea and I were able to go one before Hailey was born.
A- It's Sunday.
J- First time Hailey fell asleep on my chest. She was fidgety and crying so I put her on my chest and pulled the blanket over both of us and she was out.
A- Joel singing to Hailey to try and calm her down and get her ready for bed.
J- Hailey's smile. She first smiled at me right before the family reunion.
Money is money. It comes and it goes. It is not the most important driving thing in life.
His past year has been frivolous with the Legal Adventures of John Hunt and the Nevada Dental Board. I have been worked over and battered( Joel calls it being raked over the coals) and somehow now that most of it has pasted, and a few good counseling sessions, I have started to look at the experience with new eyes.
I remember the night before going to court, Brother Bennion came over to give me a blessing. He talked for a while and then left. He mentioned that money comes and goes. It is not what makes life life.
This theory has helped me not to be so stingy with funds. If someone is in need, help them. It sounds simple enough but when you're struggling financially it's hard to give what little you have to someone else. But the key is that it always comes back to you somehow.
Realization of November. You pay for services rendered.
Hailey has been sick a few times this past month and twice I have resulted in a drs visit. I hated paying so much for something so trivial. Hailey had a UTI and I knew it. They tested her urine and gave us a rx. The bill came in at a couple hundred dollars after insurance. That irritated me. Then I realized that in part, Drs charge what they do because the cost of their education and expertise was expensive. They had the ability to do what I could not.
I realized that I grew up with a dad that had a trade-able skill set. He could trade dentistry for x, y, z and he did. He traded dental work for medical visits. AS far as I know anyway. He traded preschool for dental care. Growing up not paying for medical visits made for an interesting lesson to learn now, when I no longer have access to that commodity.
Joel's truck brought up this same example. He was quoted $1500 to pull and put back the engine for his truck. We thought that was expensive and he figured he could to the job better himself. Well, that came back to teach us a lesson. The engine was much harder to pull and in the end, Joel would have gladly paid the $1500. He was used to being able to do something himself but now had traded his skill sets from automotive repair to welding.
Over the past year, Joel and I have been through the ringer with our relationship but and especially with life.
I've started looking at things and realizing all the lessons that we have learned and good times we have had.
Joel and I have made it a year. There were times when we wondered if or how we'd make it but we have! As Joel and I sat at our anniversary lunch we started going back and forth with things that we enjoyed or things that we remembered from this past year. There has been lots of things, good and bad.
 |
| Garden of the Gods |
 |
| Where it all re-kindled... |
 |
 |
| Instead of running the race, we volunteered because Joel tweaked out his back at work. |
 |
| Mini Golf. After Joel cornered my dad to ask "permission." |
 |
| It looks like Joel's ahead but he starts going to fast and biff's it! I WON!!! |
 |
 |
| Haven't showered in a couple days... What!? The smell's not me! It's Joel's feet! Washing Joel's smelly feet... this eventually turned into a water fight. :) |
 |
| He was proving that he fit in the bathtub... Barely. |
 |
| Only a minute later a snowboarder tried to grind on the bench behind us... I guess he didn't realize the bench wasn't as smooth as he thought. He ate it hard... Just imagine it because we didn't capture it. |
A- Stopping to see the hot pools in Yellowstone.
A- Hot air balloon Nite Glow and Sunday morning adventure watching the balloons blow up and light up.
J- Here Yoga with Red, especially when Andrea was in front.
A- Here Yoga with Joel... watching him sweat and realize that yoga is hard and actually a workout.
J- Learning how to watch football while married. I have the game to myself but Andrea gets the attention during the commercials.
A- Watching Joel carseat/stroller shop before Hailey was born. He would get excited and spend hours looking up reviews on what is the best.
A- Smith family reunion and baby shower.
J- Long chats with family at the reunion. It'd been way to long. Levi, Sheri
A- Running errands while in labor, definitely memorable.
J- The way we have learned to banter while company is over. We can have conversations that leave people scracthing their heads because half of the conversation was non-verbal or already understood.
A- Taking walks in the park. Veterans with all the links to the beltway. Ann Morrison with the ducks and geese, beltway and river.
J- Skipping Sunday School and Relief Society while pregnant to come home and enjoy each other and the sunshine.
A- Realizing our communication gap/error and then being able to resolve issues/arguments easier.
It only took till August... 11 months.
J- Laying in the backyard or at the park with Hailey. Laying in the backyard or at the park before Hailey was born. Same activity yet very different.
 |
| She has strong feet and a definite kick reflex. |
A- Joel driving a mini... something he said he'd never do. His concern for the safety of his family trumped his irritation and loathing for minivans.
J- The one bike ride that Andrea and I were able to go one before Hailey was born.
A- It's Sunday.
J- First time Hailey fell asleep on my chest. She was fidgety and crying so I put her on my chest and pulled the blanket over both of us and she was out.
A- Joel singing to Hailey to try and calm her down and get her ready for bed.
J- Hailey's smile. She first smiled at me right before the family reunion.
Money is money. It comes and it goes. It is not the most important driving thing in life.
His past year has been frivolous with the Legal Adventures of John Hunt and the Nevada Dental Board. I have been worked over and battered( Joel calls it being raked over the coals) and somehow now that most of it has pasted, and a few good counseling sessions, I have started to look at the experience with new eyes.
I remember the night before going to court, Brother Bennion came over to give me a blessing. He talked for a while and then left. He mentioned that money comes and goes. It is not what makes life life.
This theory has helped me not to be so stingy with funds. If someone is in need, help them. It sounds simple enough but when you're struggling financially it's hard to give what little you have to someone else. But the key is that it always comes back to you somehow.
Realization of November. You pay for services rendered.
Hailey has been sick a few times this past month and twice I have resulted in a drs visit. I hated paying so much for something so trivial. Hailey had a UTI and I knew it. They tested her urine and gave us a rx. The bill came in at a couple hundred dollars after insurance. That irritated me. Then I realized that in part, Drs charge what they do because the cost of their education and expertise was expensive. They had the ability to do what I could not.
I realized that I grew up with a dad that had a trade-able skill set. He could trade dentistry for x, y, z and he did. He traded dental work for medical visits. AS far as I know anyway. He traded preschool for dental care. Growing up not paying for medical visits made for an interesting lesson to learn now, when I no longer have access to that commodity.
Joel's truck brought up this same example. He was quoted $1500 to pull and put back the engine for his truck. We thought that was expensive and he figured he could to the job better himself. Well, that came back to teach us a lesson. The engine was much harder to pull and in the end, Joel would have gladly paid the $1500. He was used to being able to do something himself but now had traded his skill sets from automotive repair to welding.
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