One of the many things that we have worked on in marriage and counseling has been to bring down the walls and live so that triggers and walls aren't tripped. This has been interesting because many times in the past we did not recognize our blocks or triggers.
We have learned to communicate better, thoughts feelings, etc. I have learned that small white lies are destructive and place small barriers, even if it's just to friends. Ex: in the beginning when I had to find a babysitter for Hailey and Emi because of our appointments I wouldn't tell my friends or Journey-our awesome babysitter, where we were going. Eventually I opened up about that and it became a non issue. We even started to extend the time asked for by about an hour so that we could take time to decompress and discuss what we had just discussed, learned or brought up in a session. We started calling our outings Therapy Dates.
We have made much progress but I wanted to write about our most recent block/wall. When we talked about walls previously we referred to them as something one or another would throw up that would block the other person. It was usually referred to like building a castle and keeping someone out.
Recently a wall went up that caused a crash and burn for both of us.
We are working on honestly and bringing things up when we have a problem. One night I brought up an issue to Joel and the discussion didn't go well. I could tell there was something more going on but he said otherwise. In the end, I felt I had been lied to. I tried to believe what I was told, but something gnawed at me. A huge wall went up.
Background: Joel had been working nights for a little over the past month and had just recently switch back to days. His schedule consisted of worked, eat if he remembered, sleep. There wasn't time or energy for much else. I was getting stressed out because I felt like a single stay at home mom who was 8 months pregnant without help or support. Joel had his own stresses but didn't voice them. Neither of us was communicating well. It was the perfect equation for a storm.
After the discussion things didn't improve and to top it off Joel was called in for 10 hour shifts and then told that he was probably going to work 10's all weekend, including Sunday. Being stressed, insecure about my relationship, and banging into this wall, the extra time at work was just too much. We had originally planned to go up to Utah to see my grandparents and see if we could fix my serger, but now that didn't look like it was going to happen with Joel.
I was irritated and decided that I wasn't just going to stick around and flounder. I told Joel briefly that since he was going to be working so much I was going to Utah. I left quicker and quieter then usual and it threw him off. Distance in our relationship was growing.
The experience in Utah is blogged about in the family blog. It was a fun time with Grandpa Clarke, Gma Margaret, Dana and Kelly Strand. The trip ended well.
Sunday in church I had impressions and irritations/anger that clouded my thoughts. I knew that a wall had gone up. It was thick and looked impassible. What neither Joel nor myself had ever thought of was that when we are journeying at a good pace, when a wall goes up it doesn't just affect one person. This experience was like both of us running at a fast pace and smashing face first into a wall that neither of us saw coming. He was stuck on one side and I was now stuck on the other. He was in Las Vegas and I was in Utah. I had limited my communication because of my anger, hurt and pride. He had done the same. Neither of us were getting anywhere.
Sunday he received my thoughts from church but without much response. We briefly texted Sunday evening, but I was still hurt and angry. Monday morning I woke up to a text saying, "Call me when you wake up." It was strange because the text came around 7:30 a.m. and he should have been in the middle of work. I didn't want to call, but I did.
Joel had gone to work Monday but had the impression that he needed to pack up quickly and go to Utah. The impression would not leave him alone. He told his supervisors and went back home to pack. He said, I need to go get my wife.
When Joel called and told me this I was shocked and thrown off guard. In our counseling sessions, I had always said that when a wall goes up sometimes I wanted Joel to come to the wall and sit if that's what was needed. Usually we would run away and then sit with our backs away from each other. Stubbornly.
This time, Joel came to the wall, even though the wall was all the way in Utah. It softened me. It showed in some sense that he cared more about me than daily life, his pride, stress, etc or his work situation. He put his job in jeopardy to save his marriage.
He drove the 4 hrs up to Richfield. He had packed a change of clothes and snacks but forgot his toothbrush and underwear. His goal was just to get up there. It didn't hurt that he brought left over Archi's Thai food from the night before's work party. Instant forgiveness.
I was grateful that he came and that he wasn't in a rush to make me come back. He stayed and we had a good time relaxing and eventually talking.
We talked about the concept that when a wall goes up on either sides, sometimes both parties run head first into it without knowing what hit them. Then we have to sort through the why.
When it came down to it, Joel admitted that he had lied. Straight to my face. But why? He was embarrassed or scared of what I would think so he made a poor decision. I made frustrated decisions that didn't help.
In the end, we faced the problem and continue moving forward having learned a great lesson about walls and forgiveness and honesty.
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